Manual cars use gears to move forward, Gear 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Some even have gear 6.You can't move ahead by skipping gear 1 and think you can go straight to gear 5. For a smooth drive, you start with the first gear, which maybe jerky most of the times, especially for a new driver, sometimes even stalls the car. But as you progress to other gears, the ride becomes smoother and enjoyable. You can now focus on the journey ahead, enjoy the scenery and the conversations with your passengers, etc. Unfortunately as you use the car, there are situations you have to use gear R, Reverse gear to get out of a situation in order to move ahead again. The reverse gear is not a forward moving gear, but it's there for a short purpose and only used when necessary, otherwise, if things are okay, you don't even need to use it. It is possible to complete a journey without using the Reverse gear.
Marriage is similar. When you are new in it, things maybe be jerky and a bit rough because both of you are still adjusting to each other. The girl you were dating is no longer a girl now. The guy you were dating is no longer a boyfriend now. Roles have changed, theres a Husband and a Wife. These roles are not trained at college, even if you have been lectured back home, what you're going to face is different from what you thought you knew. New personalities, new habits, good and bad, new attitudes and so on, is the reality you face now. How are you going to handle it will determine is this 'car' will move forward to its destination or not. It takes years and effort to reach a moment where your marriage is a smooth ride and enjoy the 'scenery,' as it were. There will be rough times, there will be serious problems that you're going to face. That's where many want to use the D gear. Some use it as a way of escape, some use it because they have been advised to use it. Some don't even think twice to use it, some use it because they think it's the right thing to do, given the problem at hand. But, stop and think, does the D gear really solve the problem. Does it relieve you of your stress and the reason for pain? Ask many who have used that gear, they'll tell you otherwise. It will change your status but it doesn't remove the memories, good and bad, the history you shared in your marriage. It's not only devastating to both of you, but if there are children in your marriage, they will be hard hit more that you can imagine. You may think what happens will be between the two of you but they also will be torn apart, no matter how much you can try to show them how right you were to use that gear, the D gear. DIVORCE.
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| Children are also affected by your divorce |
Never use it as a weapon to revenge yourself or as a solution to marital problems. As you are one flesh with your spouse, you don't just cut off you foot because it stepped on poo! Do you cut your face because while you were laughing, a snort came out and it caused an embarrassment for you? As much that is embarrassing, you fix the situation and move on. Even when a doctor can say your limb is cancerous and need to be cut of, you don't take that decision lightly, because, it's you who will have to live without this limb, not the Doctor. You will have to face a difficult life without the use of this limb and all the challenges you are going to face. Divorce is not to be taken lightly. Calm down, evaluate the situation as to what went wrong in your marriage to lead your partner to the reasons you want to divorce him/her for. More often than not, you may find that you were not totally innocent in that. Communication breakdown, taking attention away from your spouse, being occupied with the anxieties of this world, etc. may frustrate your spouse and may be led astray. Try to talk things over, accept what has happened and if there's repentance, strive to forgive. It may be difficult to forget, but try hard. By saying accept what has happened, it doesn't mean condoning and make excuses for the wrong done. What is said is, accept that this has happened, denial and pushing it off won't make it disappear because you may find that you may have to live with the consequences of your spouse's stray as well. Get help, but be careful of friends who will rush to tell you to divorce because they would do the same in your shoes. How sure are you that they will? Some have faced the same situation they advised a friend to divorce and yet they don't when it's their turn! So, think about your situation and evaluate how much losses will you face than trying to fix your marriage. It's worth all the effort, especially if there are children involved.
As far as it's possible, remove the D gear in your marriage!
